@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]

19.98

[very gently]

19.99

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

37.83

GODDAMMIT

@TeaAndCopy

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

@TeaAndCopy

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

@TeaAndCopy

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

@TeaAndCopy

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?