Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
<at a baptism>
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?
*racks the chamber*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all