Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
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Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
looks legit
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.