Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
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grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I love the honesty
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
channeling her this year
🤣🤣🤣
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.