Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic