@TheBoydP

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@TheBoydP

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

@TheBoydP

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

@TheBoydP

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

@TheBoydP

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

@TheBoydP

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@TheBoydP

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?