I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?