I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Liver and fava beans
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”