@TheBoydP I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
@TheBoydP @TheBoydP “A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
@TheBoydP *mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
@TheBoydP My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
@TheBoydP Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
@TheBoydP Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
@TheBoydP There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
@TheBoydP Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
@TheBoydP I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
@TheBoydP [Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”