@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@TheBoydP

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

@TheBoydP

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

@TheBoydP

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

@TheBoydP

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

@TheBoydP

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

@TheBoydP

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

@TheBoydP

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”