DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.