@TheCatWhisprer

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

@TheCatWhisprer

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

@TheCatWhisprer

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

@TheCatWhisprer

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

@TheCatWhisprer

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

@TheCatWhisprer

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

@TheCatWhisprer

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.