@TheFirstDudish

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

@TheFirstDudish

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

@TheFirstDudish

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

@TheFirstDudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

@TheFirstDudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@TheFirstDudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@TheFirstDudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@TheFirstDudish

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.