@TheNardvark

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

@TheNardvark

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

@TheNardvark

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

@TheNardvark

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.