@TheNardvark Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
@TheNardvark @TheNardvark “Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
@TheNardvark I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
@TheNardvark Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
@TheNardvark Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
@TheNardvark If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
@TheNardvark Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
@TheNardvark DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
@TheNardvark You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
@TheNardvark There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.