Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.