Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
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Happy Thanksgiving
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Me trying to “trust the process”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲