Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
#TopTip
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
i could never be president. im overqualified.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection