@TheTimmyToes When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
@TheTimmyToes @TheTimmyToes *sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
@TheTimmyToes *hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
@TheTimmyToes BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
@TheTimmyToes *hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
@TheTimmyToes I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
@TheTimmyToes *tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
@TheTimmyToes stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
@TheTimmyToes *thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
@TheTimmyToes (business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*