Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Always 🥴
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth