Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…