Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job