I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.