@TheWoodenslurpy

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

@TheWoodenslurpy

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

@TheWoodenslurpy

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

@TheWoodenslurpy

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

@TheWoodenslurpy

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

@TheWoodenslurpy

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

@TheWoodenslurpy

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain