@ThisOneSayz

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

@ThisOneSayz

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

@ThisOneSayz

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

@ThisOneSayz

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

@ThisOneSayz

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

@ThisOneSayz

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

@ThisOneSayz

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

@ThisOneSayz

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.