@ThisOneSayz

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

@ThisOneSayz

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

@ThisOneSayz

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

@ThisOneSayz

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

@ThisOneSayz

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

@ThisOneSayz

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

@ThisOneSayz

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*