@ThisOneSayz

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

@ThisOneSayz

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

@ThisOneSayz

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

@ThisOneSayz

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

@ThisOneSayz

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

@ThisOneSayz

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

@ThisOneSayz

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

@ThisOneSayz

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.