@ThisOneSayz

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

@ThisOneSayz

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

@ThisOneSayz

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

@ThisOneSayz

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

@ThisOneSayz

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

@ThisOneSayz

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

@ThisOneSayz

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

@ThisOneSayz

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

@ThisOneSayz

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

@ThisOneSayz

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.