I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.


Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.


Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it


“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.


No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.


*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.


Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!


(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing


Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”


*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*


Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.