I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!
~ Toddler selective hearing
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.