@Thuggedraccoon

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

@Thuggedraccoon

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

@Thuggedraccoon

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

@Thuggedraccoon

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

@Thuggedraccoon

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

@Thuggedraccoon

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

@Thuggedraccoon

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

@Thuggedraccoon

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

@Thuggedraccoon

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*