[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.