5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.