If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.


If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.


*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*


*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.


GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?


Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.


I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.


“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech


My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.



Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.


I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*