My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My background check bounced.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.