@Tmoney68

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

@Tmoney68

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

@Tmoney68

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

@Tmoney68

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

@Tmoney68

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

@Tmoney68

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

@Tmoney68

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.