@Tmoney68

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

@Tmoney68

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

@Tmoney68

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

@Tmoney68

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

@Tmoney68

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@Tmoney68

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

@Tmoney68

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

@Tmoney68

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

@Tmoney68

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

@Tmoney68

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*