@ToriTheMom

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

@ToriTheMom

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

@ToriTheMom

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

@ToriTheMom

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

@ToriTheMom

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

@ToriTheMom

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

@ToriTheMom

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

@ToriTheMom

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

@ToriTheMom

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

@ToriTheMom

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.