The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.