I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
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I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Pot warmers of the day.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?