“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
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What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Only short people can save us
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things