So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Still a very good boi….
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.