It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
fly smarter, not harder
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS