Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.