@TurboJellyBean

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

@TurboJellyBean

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

@TurboJellyBean

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

@TurboJellyBean

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

@TurboJellyBean

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

@TurboJellyBean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@TurboJellyBean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

@TurboJellyBean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

@TurboJellyBean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.