[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here