@TwinSurvivalist

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

@TwinSurvivalist

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

@TwinSurvivalist

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

@TwinSurvivalist

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

@TwinSurvivalist

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

@TwinSurvivalist

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@TwinSurvivalist

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

@TwinSurvivalist

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.