[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.