@TylerLinkin

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

@TylerLinkin

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

@TylerLinkin

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@TylerLinkin

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@TylerLinkin

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.