@TylerLinkin I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
@TylerLinkin I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
@TylerLinkin What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
@TylerLinkin After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
@TylerLinkin My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
@TylerLinkin 1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
@TylerLinkin My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
@TylerLinkin In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
@TylerLinkin My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
@TylerLinkin Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.