Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
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It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I’m a bad influence on myself.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.