@UNDEADTRESOR

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

@UNDEADTRESOR

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

@UNDEADTRESOR

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

@UNDEADTRESOR

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

@UNDEADTRESOR

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: