Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
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I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney