A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”