interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
i’m sure it’s fine
how to market bottled water to dads
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
