My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*