In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Hand me my reading glasses
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?