@Valdemort_Arg

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

@Valdemort_Arg

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

@Valdemort_Arg

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@Valdemort_Arg

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

@Valdemort_Arg

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

@Valdemort_Arg

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

@Valdemort_Arg

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”