I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Every time.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Somebody call the cops.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.