People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.